Passions

My very first passion in life was dance. I was 4 when I asked for it, so Mom got me into ballet.

I fell in love with English when I was 12. Homework felt like candy, a game. I couldn’t wait to get home and play with it!

As a teenager, I loved to think, analyze and write so when time came to choose in high school, I chose languages and philosophy. 8 hours a week of pondering, questioning, opening my mind and imagining. I was exploring new worlds, a mind traveler.

So there you have it; my three muses: Dance, English and Philosophy.

When I had a burn out dance kept me going. It was one of the rare things I was still interested in. My brain felt like it was fried so when all else failed, dance was there and was fun and provided me with a whole world of magic and movement, including the limitations that came with it; those limitations that actually showed the way to how to listen to the subtle cues of my body to get back to health. I had to first let go and stop fighting my body (had back problems on and off for 10 years), listen to what it was guiding me to do. I eventually found my way back to well-being, back to a more authentic me. I taught English, became a translator and even taught tap dancing for a while. Passions one and two: check, check.

Personal development as such became a part of my life in my twenties once my aunt introduced me to Shirley MacLaine’s books. An extension of my exploration of philosophy, it was intriguing, exciting and fun. I never really stopped after that, read all kinds of books, listened to CDs, DVDs, MP3s, webinars and podcasts (keeping up with technology:) and shared with friends who were also interested in that kind of material. I loved to spend afternoons just sharing nuggets of eureka moments we had had over tea, coffee, fruits, cookies and chips. It fed me more than the food itself and I always felt wonderful, changed.

I wanted more of that so one day I entered keywords in my computer and found the Law of Attraction Montreal Meetup on the first try. Yes, my keywords were Law of Attraction Montreal. I couldn’t miss it. One meeting and I was hooked! I had found my people as Camila says in her Year Beyond Fear Challenge no. 57. It could take me 3 hours to eat a cupcake when usually it’s gone within minutes. I didn’t need food. My body, mind, spirit, soul, all of them were getting exactly what they needed and it was absolutely delicious, thrilling, empowering. I”m still going and I’m learning so much, growing so much. I’m truly, truly grateful.

A little over a year after joining that group and participating every time I felt inspired by a topic, I found myself one day very frustrated over still not having found the perfect career. You know the kind of job that doesn’t feel like one; the one that runs on excitement, fun and joy and is so in tune with who you are that it’s like you’re flying, soaring even and everything is just more colourful, tastes better, feels better. I know, a little too perfect in my imagination but you get the idea. I remember that one evening a friend was offering me a job and I was in tears over not wanting to go backwards, fighting the urge to take it for the sake of financial security….the next, I was pulling out my meditation papers out to try to figure things out and within hours, it would lead to quite a revelation. For me, emotions lead the way to solutions. One minute I was crying and in despair, the next, everything made sense. What a rush!

I have pieces of paper with words that make me feel good written on them. Originally, when there was an ad on TV, I would put it on mute, pick a paper at random and place it over my heart and feel it as intensely as possible. Visualize, imagine the smell, the context, a whole story, whatever it took to feel that word in the present and anchor it in my body. So that day, I decided to choose the words that illustrated how I wanted to feel in a job. I turned them around and elaborated more on the feeling for each of them within the context of the ideal job for me. If I couldn’t name or imagine it, I could at least figure out how I wanted to feel.

A friend of mine helped me put the pieces together – literally. Her enthusiasm and passion for her job, not to mention life in general is quite an inspiration. She’s the one who first put the puzzle together. I showed her what I had done with the pieces of paper and she said “Life Coach.” The fog lifted from my brain and then I could see it too! Things became clearer by the minute. That night, I got in the metro to go home and really tried “it” on as I would try a piece of clothing. It was a revelation. I could see the metro moving with me inside but I could also see myself in space with all kinds of lights around me all converging toward one point and I too, was going toward that point. Just like in sci-fi movies. Once I got there, everything stopped and all was well and where it was supposed to be. I had found my place in this world; I had found how I fit in. Everything made sense. It was the most amazing feeling. Momentum, peace, empowerment and a wonderful sense of belonging.

It changed how I show up in life now. If ever there was a moment that felt magical and exhilarating, that was the one.

Passion number three? Checked.

Val.

thepowerofemotions.ca

 

 

Finding Value in What Feels Off

Ever felt like something was off? Or someone was acting out of character?

I’ve had more than one conversation with friends about those feelings we get when things are not quite right with someone we know or someone we come across or an entire situation for that matter. And every time, the question is: “What am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”

Last Thursday, after an always inspiring meetup on Self-Love, I decided to tackle the subject over coffee and tea (always helps!:) with a friend of mine who had attended as well. First of all, she’s mentioned it more than once, I realize it’s very important to consider if it feels appropriate to let that person know about what feels “off”. Not everyone wants to hear it and it’s only our perception anyway so I believe it’s best to deal with it on our own (I’m guilty of not having always felt that way). After all, if we get that information, it’s most probably meant for us, right?:)

So when I first looked at the “issue”, I was a bit at a loss and frustrated for getting the info without an “instructions manual”. Yet, I wanted to find the other side of it. So I started by asking “what’s the point of me getting this off feeling?” but because there was frustration in it, I couldn’t see past it. My mind was too focused on the problem. So I asked “What’s the value of this experience?”. After a couple of minutes of really believing there was value in some way, I found one tiny bit of value: contrast. So when things feel off, it accentuates when things feel right, so I immediately got into the feeling of really appreciating when things are “on” and loving that person or situation right then and there. The “off” shows me the “on” more clearly.

My friend – who was kind of pondering the idea too (notice how what comes to me is her pondering the “idea” as opposed to me pondering the “issue”) while giving me her attention, meaning she was focused on me finding the answer(s) – mentioned forgiveness as in forgiving myself. I looked at her with a face that clearly spelled “what the h… are you talking about?” Still, she’s my very best sounding board, so I filed that information in my mind to examine at a later date as I’ve learned to trust those hunches she gets. So I kept “sitting” in the feeling of observing  the “on” and then it hit me! That is the point! Focusing on the “on” more than ever when the “off feeling” comes along! Since what we focus on seems to expand or becomes a bigger part of our experience to quote Peter Hartman. So even though we’re used to giving our attention to problems to find solutions in this society, the best way – I think – to have a mind that will be open to solutions is to 1- believe solutions exist and 2- give our attention to what works, anything that works or makes us feel good.

By “sitting” in what felt right, the answer then found its way to my brain or vice versa, and my friend focusing and believing I would find the answer(s) helped. So that is the solution: focus on what feels “on” to help the other person find their way back to it as well. Of course, it is up to them to decide to get back to it or not, so help yes but with detachment I would say.

Apparently, my face was transformed once it hit me and became clear to me. All the while, inside of me, it was such a thrill to come to that realization….and then peace settled in …..and then lots of love….and then a feeling that all was well again.

 

Val.

 

Thanks E. for always being such a beautiful sounding board!

Oh and yes, I had to forgive myself because in feeling that something was off, a part of me was feeling guilty for feeling that, as it was being interpreted as a judgement. So forgiveness was necessary after all.:)

 

PS: Don’t forget you’re more than welcome to submit your own magic!

Story of a Picture (New York City)

New York city holds a special place in my heart. It has a special rhythm, like a whole city breathing as one.

I’ve had many magical moments there; some about new friendships and the wonder of Broadway shows; like dreams becoming reality, and also flashbacks to lives that may not have been mine but seemed to speak to me from the past. Buildings that feel like they have souls because they’ve held such life for generations, businesses, stories, so many stories. To me, there are many dimensions to New York city and a whole lot of soul.

I hadn’t been there in a while and secretly missed it. It had called me more than once but time and money just hadn’t made it possible to go there or not reasonably possible let’s just say. So I was happy when it seemed a little unreasonable but oh so much fun to consider going with my niece and husband as their translator.

I enjoyed letting her be our guide and it was nice feeling sometimes lost and sometimes finding my way back again to something familiar, a familiar me from close to 10 years ago. Discovering and rediscovering and seeing this city through their eyes, letting go of the control or the responsibility, just letting it happen and appreciating it more than ever. Being the total observer.

It rained. All day pretty much. We knew it and were okay with it. Of course, when it stopped at times, we were also happy for the break but honestly, seeing the city and the New Yorkers that way was most interesting as well. We walked forever, followed our plan and sometimes didn’t and traced and retraced our steps a few times. We didn’t mind, we were explorers, old and new.:)

At some point, we wanted to get to Brookfield Place to see the atrium. My niece had mentioned we might end up close to Ground Zero but it had gotten lost on me eventually. So seeing so many police cars took me by surprise and when I realized where I was, I was choked up. So much sky.. too much sky… At first, I didn’t think I could get close, out of respect and then it felt as if I was being given permission, so I made my way to one waterfall and then the other. To me those waterfalls are a poignant yet beautiful way to remember, very respectfully. It deeply touched me and until now, I kept this moment quiet like something I couldn’t quite voice yet. I felt movement (life), symbolism, healing, respect and hurt all at once. Poignant.
About ten years ago, Mom and I hadn’t wanted to go there, again, not wanting to be “voyeurs” and not sure we could handle it but our city bus had driven by, close enough that every conversation in the bus had stopped for a couple of minutes and then resumed once we were past it. It definitely had made an impression on us, as it did this time as well.

My focus eventually went back to Brookfield Place and the atrium..Construction in front of it prevented us from getting through the main entrance so we walked and walked and walked around the block (of course, blocks are quite big in New York city, hence the “walking forever” mentioned earlier) and by then – it was toward the end of the day – my feet were killing me but I was determined to make it through that whole day and see whatever my family wanted to see so I wasn’t fast but I followed. 🙂 and boy am I glad I did!  What awaited us on the other side was the river with New Jersey floating in the fog (the photo). My niece and her husband walked down the steps and the scene unfolded for me. I took a few shots as her husband was walking toward her but I already knew the end result and it was such a gift to see everything take place, to be in the perfect place at the perfect time and feel it happening. I love that picture and am so grateful that everything conspired for it to come to life. My niece in turn took wonderful shots as well and that moment by the water is the one we’ll remember always I think…and if the rain had been a troublesome companion at times during the day, we really didn’t mind it just then. 🙂

Val.

My Cat is Love

My cat is many things. She’s tenderness, she’s fun, she’s patience AND impatience, she’s trust, she’s happiness, she’s eagerness, she’s curiosity (of course since she’s a cat!:), she’s total relaxation and ease, she’s generosity and forgiveness. I could go on and on, but what comes first for me is that she’s love.

At eight months old when I brought her back from the shelter and took her out of the cage and held her in my arms, she gave me love right away and she hasn’t stopped since. That is her default setting. If she’s mischievous (oh yes, she’s that too!) because she doesn’t want me to sleep and I get impatient or angry with her, she’ll come back within minutes with love like she can’t stand for it to be any other way between us. I’ll walk by and she’ll expect nothing but love from me and if I pet her, she’ll stand it only so long before she joins in and needs to give me signs of her affection for me. She’ll be looking outside the window and I’ll get close to her to see what she’s looking at and she’ll bump her cheek on mine. Of course, she’s the best cuddler and trusts me and treats me like I’m another cat she’s cuddling with. That, to me is magic.

I feel so privileged to be trusted in such a way and totally embraced into her world. My heart wasn’t closed before but she sure keeps it open more often and reminds me to come back to the present, to play time, to myself when I’m too lost in thoughts or chasing some illusion of urgency.

She welcomes anyone and everyone (at the door!) with happiness and expects nothing but the best in all.

I”m inspired by her wisdom and at other times am laughing at her silliness. Unlike most cats I know, she doesn’t get offended by that. I’m in awe of how she lets go so easily and just assumes that the best spots in her world are meant to be hers. Such self-confidence and innate sense of self-worth!:) She totally embraces well-being and never questions it.

My cat is love and one of my best teachers!

With love, from her to me to you,  

Val.

B’s Story

I met B. about 15 years ago as we both love musicals and dance. We have been to NY City together to see Broadway shows quite a few times and always made the very best of it. She’s fun, kind, smart and giving. A beautiful human being. I do treasure her friendship. She’s brought a lot of joy into my life, opened my horizons and introduced me to people who are now very dear friends as well. We’ve had many memorable moments together. Back in May, she started having problems with one of her legs. It led to an operation at the end of August and that should have ended there, with a normal, easy recovery. But with B., things don’t always go so smoothly when it comes to her health. So it didn’t go so well and for about 10 days, she had an operation every day and it didn’t look good. Her leg didn’t look good; so much so that the doctors started talking about cutting it off. They were trying to convince her and were literally hours away from doing it when another doctor stepped in and convinced everyone to try one more thing: the hyperbaric chamber. This is when things finally turned around. The chamber + still some operations eventually saved her leg. She lost some tendons yes but her leg is there and one day, she was standing up in the hospital and the next or close she was home walking with a walker. And then the walker was too inconvenient for her in a matter of days so she found a way to not have to use it all the time. She knew she had to build muscles back and she was doing it at a rhythm that was beyond my expectations (and they were not low, believe me. I believe in her!). She’s a dancer. She does ballet (pointe shoes and all), tap and jazz. She’s in dance class at least 4 times a week, so you can imagine her fear, her anxiety over losing her leg or not dancing ever again. But one day, she sends an email and gives me details of the exercises she plans on doing at the barre in ballet class and how and why, saying since she needs to build muscle, she might as well accomplish that while doing something she loves. I had tears in my eyes as I read her words. Such determination, such creativity in her need to heal! It was brilliant and so inspirational to me. That moment, that will, that spirit; absolutely perfect and beautiful. Now, you’ve got to know now that this is not B.’s first encounter with adversity. When I first met her she told me she had lost an eye to a rare condition and after many, many operations (we’re talking 20 or 30 operations) to try to save it. And she’s always been a dancer so of course, she had to learn to dance again in a way. Her balance was totally off now seeing with only one eye, so she found her way back to that and I’ve always admired that amazing balance she has. So here she is again, finding and fighting her way back to what she loves and being an inspiration to me at the very least. Of course she sounds like she’s really unlucky in life. I’m always amazed how some people seem to have such heavy karma if you believe in that, but when I see such determination coupled with creativity and passion, I can’t help but be in awe of the human spirit. Val. Update: Jan. 2015 – She’s now started tap dancing in her kitchen, doing time steps and thinks she’ll be back in tap dance class next year. So happy to hear that! Go B.!!!!:)

Chasing Magic

Sometimes, I wake up and my mood is not quite what I want it to be. I’ve learned that it’s possible to just chase a better-feeling thought, or a memory, or a dream; anything that will lift up my spirit.

So some days, the better-feeling thought is gratefulness for the technology that allows me to be part of someone’s life, a loved someone who’s far away.

Like when I get asked for advice by a nephew I haven’t seen grow up because we’ve been on different continents for most of his life. His short texts are always sweet and funny, light and kind; very much like the smile he had as a baby. Helping him in his decision about a gift for his girlfriend is precious because she’s so very special to him and so his gift has to be just right. 🙂 How could it not be with such sweet intention? Being a part of that? Priceless.

Or like when the eldest of my nieces sets up a shared album so that I may follow her steps and her sense of wonder in some part of her world. A beautiful piece of architecture here, a tasty dish there, some funny piece of information about what went on in this particular place and why. Lots of smiles, lots of “likes” and feeling close and the ocean between us is gone. We’re one touch away and I like to believe that some of our smiles are in sync for a few seconds…

Or even simpler. When all it takes is for me to play the music my youngest niece shared with me when she came to visit. It brings back all kinds of fun and sweet memories and I find myself reliving those good times and dancing with the ghosts of her past and mine. One musical memory brings back another as her older sister and I also shared some special music years ago and I am reminded that I can happily dance with those ghosts any time too.

My brother will share pictures or will send a link to a youtube video because we often like the same types of music. Words are not his thing. Technology is, so  I’ll ask him to teach me things or his advice on a device or update.

That’s how we keep in touch, that’s how we like to show up in each other’s lives and technology makes it possible.

Some other days, I think of some people that have opened doors to new worlds for me.
The word that comes to mind is accelerating. A thought and I’m there, stepping through the door and still amazed that I got to do that and still get to do it at will by just reveling in the feeling and exploring it over and over. You mean there are people like that out there? Really? With such qualities, such heart and beauty of spirit and bonus of bonuses, fun ideas or experiences and therefore again perspectives that can only inspire you to step through those doors and look at the world in a whole new light? Magic.
New worlds to explore: what could be more fun than that?

When I keep those better-feeling thoughts close to my heart, the mood is changed, I’m ready to get up and smile at the day ahead of me….:)

Val.

Second Chance

A very dear friend of mine died in February (see When Someone is Really Happy to See You – same person). She was 99.
A couple of months before that, on one of my last visits, we had sat in her bedroom instead of our usual spot which was the living room with the view of the field and trees and the mountains in the distance, but also the TV in front of us. Nature shows kept her entertained and helped when the conversation was difficult since in the last few years, her hearing wasn’t so good, so she would sometimes retreat to her own world. The TV gave us something to share in silence or something to comment on from time to time. So this time, we were in her bedroom; no TV, no view except for the trees through the windows, very close, like a deep forest.
She was tired. So tired she was dozing off regularly in her chair and her head would slowly fall on her chest. Then she’d wake up again.

Having met her in her late 80s, I had always prepared myself for the day when I’d be told she was no longer part of this world. I had been lucky enough to have precious, beautiful, fun and funny moments with her. I had observed as her hearing had faded and we had all adapted; we always do in some way, I noticed. I had prepared myself for the day she wouldn’t recognize me or even know my name.

I would visit about every other month. Only once really did she look at me like a total stranger and then trusted her loved ones close by that I was someone close as well. But more often, even when she didn’t know my name, I could tell she knew me in some way. She knew I felt familiar to her and that was enough.
That day in her bedroom, she looked at me intensely. You know, like a baby looks at you, through you to get to the core of who you are. And she recognized me more, yet still not completely. She knew enough to notice I had changed the colour of my hair and that she liked it. She was very tired, yet she felt obligated to hold her part of the conversation. Proper upbringing:). I could see that in her eyes and the effort she was trying to make, so I said that I had friends that I could sit in silence with and that it was such a nice feeling to be able to experience that with someone. She smiled with that twinkle in her eyes. Sharp, smart lady, always.:) We talked of the weather – nice colours on the trees outside? She didn’t care anymore and didn’t apologize for it – and about the different kinds of chocolates and which one was her favorite. “All of them!” she said, but with a tone in her voice that indicated that it was foolish to even think of choosing just one:). She noticed my new necklace and we talked about that, where it came from, what it was and what it meant and she liked the funny name of the figurine it represented.
We had more of a conversation than we had had in months, years, even though she was tired. We’d take breaks. She’d doze off. I would just sit and hold her hand and just love her, surround her with love. It was the easiest thing in the world, loving her.
She’d wake up and ask me to help her to her bed. I wasn’t sure that I could do it properly and kept telling her I could call her son from the kitchen to do it. She’d say yes. He’d come and ask her. She’d look at me in the doorway and then would change her mind and say no. Then she’d talk to me a bit and doze off again and ask me to help her to her bed again. She’d say I could do it so I’d believe her. I would hold her hands and get ready to help her get up and then she’d doubt (smart woman) and would say no. I honestly loved how she’d be able to weigh the situation and still make important decisions about the independence she still had. Her son had done such a great job of always leaving her as much independence as possible for as long as possible; it was beautiful to watch.
Eventually, he helped her to her bed and I held her hand and kissed her goodbye, so grateful for such fun, genuine moments with her. We had welcomed the awkwardness of the silence at first and made friends with it. We had talked of teaching people or children and how and why. We had talked of knitting and how she had picked it up again and was a bit outraged that someone had put it away at some point thinking she would not want to do that anymore. She showed me how to do it. I told her my grandma had showed me years ago and that I wasn’t so good at it because I would go from lose to tight all the time. We had talked of some important visit she had had with people from her past. They were now married. She had taught them when they were little and hadn’t seen them since so it had been quite a reunion.
Many topics; all gifts, each one of them an opportunity for us to reconnect, to agree or disagree, to laugh together, to share and find our rhythm again, just like before, to realize once more that we really were kindred spirits.

It took me months to come to that realization. That visit was already special in my memory but it’s in talking about it recently that I came to the conclusion that her forgetting me, even partially, had given us a second chance at finding a friend in each other again. How often do we get that in life?

Val.

Vision

Years ago in Stowe, Vt, two friends and I decided to take a walk after dinner. There were quite a few houses around where we were but also woods in some parts. We were chatting away and were heading towards what looked like the beginning of a dark forest to me. I hesitated as I felt uneasy about the change of environment and frankly wasn’t too sure about what we might find there. My friends noticed my reaction and when I told them I didn’t feel too good about a potential bear encounter, gently teased me about it. We argued a bit and I was outnumbered two to one of course so I followed them and kept walking. Maybe two minutes into resuming our walk, we met a lady and her dog coming from where we were going. We said hi and nonchalantly asked her what was up ahead. She told us she hadn’t seen anything but that a mama bear and her cubs had been spotted in those woods recently… Well, no need to tell you that I turned around on the spot, my friends followed, and we all headed in a different direction. The woods were not so dark there and we could see houses nearby. At some point, as we looked at the path ahead, the sun came out through the trees and a deer appeared seemingly out of nowhere. It literally felt like I blinked and it was there, right in the sun and in the middle of the path, standing, barely moving. It was looking right at us, like it knew us, like a long lost friend about to say “oh hi there!” No fear, just reaffirming its place and our place in this world.

It was quite a vision. It is still very vivid to me, will probably always be. Angel music could have been playing it was such a beautiful sight and feeling. Everything stopped and I was reminded of the magnificence of this world just right there waiting for me to open my eyes and notice it. I could have bowed to that deer in gratefulness, love and respect. I do so now. 🙂

 

Val.

Thoughtfulness

About 10 years ago, when I moved to where I live now, I was very fortunate to have quite a bit of my friends and family helping me move. No professional movers, just a bunch of friends who came together quite unexpectedly for some (at the last-minute and thank God they did!) and just made it all possible. I was a nervous wreck. But people used their cars to go from the old place to the new one quite a few times, boxed what I hadn’t had time to finish putting into boxes, brought them to the new place, unpacked for me and organized things on shelves, cleaned etc… and I also had friends painting my apartment, all in the same day! It was pretty amazing. Just revisiting this moment right now makes me even more grateful. Many moments come back to mind about the generosity of all of those special people (and how funny some of those moments were too), but still, after 10 years, one sticks with me more particularly. I was in my bedroom painting when all of a sudden, I heard a song from one of my favourite movies. I didn’t have the soundtrack of it so I knew it wasn’t mine. One of my friends had brought it among others and another one had stumbled upon it and seeing how stressed I was and knowing how special that movie was to me, thought that might just be what would relax me. It worked. It might not sound like much now as just words on a computer screen but it deeply touched me then because the music did make a difference the second I heard it. I felt blessed and comforted and was moved by the thoughtfulness behind the gesture. To this day, it is one of those “landmark” moments that I use to connect to kindness and gratefulness. V.

When someone is really happy to see you

I met M. through friends and loved her right away. She has a way of just making you smile all over. You know, the kind of smile that affects your whole being, that allows for you to immediately remember who you are and what you like and what is so right with the world and that it’s home to you. She’s like another grandmother to me.

She’s a wonderful story-teller: child-like innocence, wonderful sense of humour and an honesty about facts that makes room for you to get your own message; for the discovery to happen in your world, in your mind, in your heart. It’s a beautiful and precious gift. Of course, she’s oblivious to it. She just is and that’s the beauty of it.

I was invited to one of her birthdays. It was a big affair with family and friends and acquaintances. I arrived with two other friends and we walked into the lobby of the hotel where the party was being held. She happened to be there when we walked in and the minute she saw me, her eyes had this wonderful look of intense joy mixed with recognition. She was beaming, she looked so happy to see me! It was heart-warming and overwhelming to bring such joy to someone just by being there. I felt so welcomed and special and surprised by it all. She walked towards me with a huge smile on her face and extending both her hands to hold mine. She held them tight before we gave each other a big hug.

I am always moved when I remember the look in her eyes and her hands reaching for mine with such excitement. I’ve had many beautiful, magical moments with her but this one is on top of my list for sure. It shot me right in the heart and touched me deeply. And when I need to cheer myself up or to relax, this is one of those moments that instantly brings a smile inside and out and brings me back to my heart, and honestly from there, life is simpler, sweeter.

Sweet, funny, beautiful M., thank you for being in my life. You remind me of where home is.